• Posted Jan 13, 2007

What a difference a day makes. Last week the weather was 50 degrees and sunny, today my gigantic nuts are frozen together. Does anyone have a crow bar?

Dick Pound. Seriously, the guy's name is Dick Pound. He is the chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency and he is one funny mother. But with a name like, that the one thing you should never do is talk smack about someone. Unless that "someone" is a mega-pansy. This is the brilliant insight from Dick Pound concerning Floyd, written in the New York Times. On this particular day, Pound, who is 64, looked tired. His broad face was drawn, his complexion pasty. He had just returned from China, and his back hurt. Thinking about Landis seemed to enliven him. He spoke of the cyclist as if he were some sleazy perp just collared by the vice squad. “He was 11 minutes behind or something, and all of the sudden there’s this Herculean effort, where he’s going up mountains like he’s on a goddamn Harley,” he said. In the 2006 tour, Landis raced in pain while awaiting a hip replacement, went out to an early lead, lost it, then seemed to miraculously regain it. “It’s a great story,” Pound said. “Wonderful. But if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.” Pound took something like a schoolboy’s delight in talking about Landis’s lab result, which supposedly showed his testosterone level to be grotesquely above what is typical for most men. Landis has denied taking a prohibited substance and is fighting what could be a two-year ban from cycling. “I mean, it was 11 to 1!” Pound said, referring to Landis’s reported testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, a measure used to identify doping. “You’d think he’d be violating every virgin within 100 miles. How does he even get on his bicycle?” Violating virigins!?!? Priceless. Read the whole article and read Floyd's lame-ass comeback too. What Floyd should have said to not be so lame: 1) "Hahahahahahaha. Hahahaha. Wait-wait. Wait-a-minute. Hahahahyoureadouchebag! Your name is DICK POUND! Hahahahah!" 2) "Now the ratio is 12 to 1!" After having just snuck into Pound's house, Dirty Sanchez'd on his underage daughter, and took a picture to hang on the fridge. 3) "Pound Dick! Pound Dick! Pound Dick! Pound Dick!"

This guy did not get his round mouth from eating square meals. Shut up and drink the Kool-Aid. Canadians need your money. Stupid bicycle jokes. And I mean stupid! As in, "not funny". Fatty-Fat Redneck goes for a bicycle ride. A 2211-word palindrome. A man, a plan, a casa, a bait.... Be sure to check out mega-hottie, Niki Gudex.

Smart reply to a dumb driver. Thanks to Julie.
DRIVER: Get off the road!
CYCLIST: Get off the couch! It's as American as the apple pie, baseball, and the two party system. If you're ever in need of a hearty laugh it seems only patriotic to throw out a Polish joke. Or in this case, just post a picture of five Polish espoirs in bib shorts and let a picture tell a thousand punchlines.

"Hey you! Second from the left! You are SO the domestique!" And speaking of domestiques... how high up the ladder do you need to climb to have someone else apply your chamois cream for you? And what type of sponsor is ASPRO anyway!?

"Hurry up! I'm prairie doggin' it! I'm prairie DOGGIN' IT!"

So. Tell me. Why do people think cyclists are gay?

As if cyclists didn't have enough stereotypes to combat.

Donny Quixote lives in Des Moines, Iowa. He works for Rasmussen Bike Shop as the in-house bike fit specialist and cycling coach. Anything Donny has written or implied here may not represent the viewpoints of Bike Iowa or Rasmussen Bike Shop. If you have any questions, concerns, death threats, or debaucherous photos of your sister please direct them to Donny at He eagerly awaits! If you'd like to read more from Donny visit his website at

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