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12.23.04: You'll Take Yer Lumps and Like It | | | DISCLAIMER: Don't waste your time with this if you're easily offended. If you're going to read it, please put down the cookies and milk, provided you don't want to snarf it on your screen.
| | | Happy Holidays to all and a joyful New Year to be!
We're a humble little bunch, but once we paste on the team kit, we'd throw our own grandmother off the road to get that extra room to muscle in for thirty-third place at the line.
If you're not ready for it, here's my gift of gab for all the tribe out there. Onto the lumps of ... gifts!
Godfather Marco: A nice shiny box to contain my ego in 2005. Hey, if we're gonna poke fun at anyone, why not point that poker in the right place first, eh? If I'm going to be the Beelzebub on Two Wheels, then let's make sure I have a nice container for my enlarged ego.
DQ-4ME: Bulk Honey. Homeboy (yes, I can say that) has usurped Godfather Marco for shameless self promotion in 2004 and has a head-start going into 2005. If you haven't seen the website to be, be warned that the gloves (cabretta backed of course) are off and the sh1t is going to fly in '05.
O-Dawg Rob: Props in each and every bikeiowa.com digest for 2005! Our product enhanced friend has had his self-worth artificially inflated in 2004 by constant props by his pro-form whore, so let's start it off right in '05!
Chris Maharry: A happy haircut and a new pair of BLACK SHORTS. Dude, I've never questioned the hair, but if you want to lose a ton of weight fast, just take a glance at those nasty shorts. I can say I lightened up real quick on raceday (minus a Sonic sausage, egg and cheese burrito) after seeing the poop stains on those see-through shorts. And a kick in the nards to Justin at Bozo World for even ordering those in the first place.
Local Bike Shops: We'll all pay retail in '05. Wait, that was a mistake. You should be giving us that OCLV for free or we'll tell our friends about the great hookup we have!
MTBr's: Program with the Iowa Penal System for trailbuilding and maintenance. Yup, let's get those connies out on the trails and put them to good work. "Maharry... lookin' pretty cute in those see-through pants."
WIFM Racers: Flat tires at every turn. As my Cabo Wabo Red Freak-on Rocker bro-bud Sammy Hagar sez, 'Bro, you gotta give, to live... now pass the pipe...'
Junior Studs: Thick handlebar wrap. Congrats on a great year A-Corn and Freyed. Now make sure you wrap 'em extra thick so you don't crack your teeth from chewing on the bar too much at those national and international races.
Paul Deninger: The gift of time and a sub-50 40k. Yeah, someone is so busy putting together the master plan for ICCC world domination in 2005 that he's forgotten that I asked for an article about training MONTHS AGO.
Eric Lambi: Falsified documentation stating he was born in 1975. Yup, you're now a masters-fatty, so pick up that DA10 Litespeed you've always wanted because you'll never race again!
Jim Cochran: One Second Faster Than Lambi. Every time. Just because I can.
Fast Lane: Steriods, EPO and ham hocks. Brother, we're going to make you fast this year if it kills you. Drop the damn hotdogs and start juicing!
Coach Randy: An autographed copy of 'Shameless Self Promotion' by DQ and Marco. Sorry man, but you've fallen off the pace. You were doing so well on WHO-TV and with the downtown race, but there is a new sheriff in town. We'll put you back on top in no time flat.
Don Paul: You're now a made man. Anyone who has taken the time to download terraserver sat maps to build cyclocross courses should be a Godfather. Congrats, and thanks.
Conn Day: More props than you know what to do with. Since you ignored my constant pleas for an interview in 2004, I'm going to go 'Creed on Moore' for 2B in '05!
Iowa Pros: Many wins on the nat/world stage. J-Mac, Johnny, Wes, Megan, Jeff, make us proud or you'll get whupped like a malcontent meanderer on the wrong side of the trail.
Office-Park Pros: Free team kits and rigs. Sorry we've never catered to you in the past, but we'll amend for '05. We'll make sure the jerseys are extra *stretchy* in the necessary places and the helmets are oversized (like Godfather Marco's) to pad the egos, too.
Internetwonks: Paid internet hosting charges through 2005. Kerkove, Swansons, T-Wells, et al. Thanks for giving me the wonderful gift of time-kills through the day. If it wasn't for you, I'd never get any work done!
Dave Lippold: www.pullthroughdave.com. Our gift to you including 'Dave Sightings', 'Calorie Calculator for Profane Outbursts', 'Truck-Punch Polls', 'Dave Memories' and more!
Cam Kirkpatrick: Sponsorship from Kreschmer Wheat Germ. Folic acid helps. Really.
Jeff Kerkove: More 'black goodness', 'powders' and deepfried twinkies to keep you rolling. Homeslice has it going on with the funderful blog and T-I race in April. Here's the bet that Squirrel and Goetzelman are going to kick this punk in the junk and leave him in the ditches with the b1tches after they realize how painful riding across Iowa on gravel is.
J-Lu: Full salary and health benefits to race, promote and daydream fulltime in 2005. We miss you. Come back to us.
John Adamson: A plate of bull testicles. My friend at Pho Ha-Dao says 'bull testicle... good for vitality'. I guess I'll have to take a case and send them to Johnny, then. I don't know what you're on, whether EPO, botox or a venti latte, but you're an inspiration to all of us.
Rick Paulos/IBRA: A year without the drama. We all appreciate the leadership. Hugs and kisses. Now just turn on the tv or open People if you want drama...
Scott Sumpter: A million in cash. I don't know how to say thank you, except for saying, 'thank you'. You've put up a great resource for cycling and all the thanks you get is skinny whiny racers posting their dirty laundry. Thanks... I think ;)
Anyone else: A mountainful of crap to come in '05 from your friends at www.bikeiowa.com
Ride safe and see you at the races in '05
The Godfather Marco | | | |
posted Dec 23 2004
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